The Weekly Wank


       


March 25, 2014: Really?!? We played like that against a bunch of comic book store nerds!

The Fan Rats continued their Spring '14 campaign at the Lowe's Soccer Complex, against Glanville Flash. On a cold, blistery morning, the Rats came out hard, as Sunny Anderson managed to hit a crossbar and a post on the same sequence inside of the 10th minute. It pretty much went downhill from there.

Bazinga! The nerds got a lucky free kick, lofted by the wind and into the upper far corner to go up 1:0. Shazam! A pass from the defensive flank to the top of the box yields what it normally does to make it 2:0. Penny! [knock, knock, knock] Penny! [knock, knock, knock] Penny! While the Rats were asleep in the back, the Flash streaked behind and slotted home another; 3:0, nerds.

After a shift change, Gregorio "Don Golazo" Spinozo led some inspired play and neatly put away a breakway to bring matters to 1:3. But the Rats couldn't carry the momentum any further, allowing a deflection after the half to conclude the scoring at 1:4.

Shout outs go to Massimo Bistocchi ("Ricki, I'm too tired, I have to change diapers, and the game is too early!) and Jared Berquist (he and his bottle of Thunderbird slept through the alarm clock at the shelter), who were conspicuous no-shows as the Rats premiered their new whites in less- than-stellar fashion. And we're still not sure if Massimo was referring to his own diapers or those of his daughter.

All-in-all, just a piss-poor peformance. Hopefully we got this one out of our system.








       


March 3, 2014: After almost nine years of dormance, the Weekly Wank is back! While memories of disposing of those tossers EEI Elite in the "Loser Leave Town" Fifth Division Championship match last November . . . well, we find that they didn't leave town! They're back in our division! Anyway, picking up where we left off in 2005 . . .

The Fan Rats started their Spring '14 campaign at the University of Richmond's Intramural Field, against Pete's Mom FC. This is the same club against whom the then-Fifth Division Rats advanced against in the Copa Bruce in penalties after going 2:2 in regulation. This season, the Mothers of Pete were worthy opponents, offering nothing objectionable to be offered as headine material in The Wank. Thus, we turn inward . . .

As has been the case since that September day in 1989 when the Rats were born, original Rat Daniel Salomonsky came complaining out of the gate, this year about the choice of uniform color, wondering why we weren't adorned in our new whites. To add to the fray, on two instances he felt the need to take off his shirt and put on his Dale Earnhardt hat to address the team. Unfortunately, anything he had to say was obscured by the spectacle of the CVSA version of the Incredible Hulk addressing the team. The Hulk? The Intimidator? All was lost with the spectacle of the "Big Bang Theory" chest.

Speaking of uniforms, it's real simple. We're the Fan Rats, and we've been in black for over 20 years. All uniforms revolve around black shorts. Unfortunately for Jared Berquist, yellow was the only color left at the shelter. So, to review: black shorts, each week, every week, spring, summer, fall. It's real simple. And yes, Massimo, you'll have to buy your own.

And finally, for the game. It was a back-and-forth affair, with 12-man Pete's Mom out-running a 20-man Rat side, with the coup-de-grâce being delivered by the Rats very own matinée idol Kellor Wilson, who came up from his fullback position to deliver the game winner in the 80th minute. Only someone as "Confident" as Kellor could go coast-to-coast to deliver the dagger.

As for you Italians, we'll get you to guys next week on The Wank.






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